Monday, October 11, 2010

Realizations

I have always believed that everything in our life happens for a reason. We may not always know what that reason is, or even ever find out, but there is one. Sometimes we are lucky enough to figure it out though and for me, the last couple days has been my realization.

Most of you know that Monkey's dad left us when I was pregnant. Well I should clarify, we split up before I knew I was pregnant. I refused to get married just because I was pregnant so he ran off and married someone else. All while abandoning myself and our daughter. After she was born he told everyone she wasn't his and did nothing to support her. It wasn't until she was 5 months old when the courts proved she was indeed his and ordered support that he began contributing. Even then, thats the extent of it. Except for a handful of phone calls last year he has had no involvement with her.


Because of that I was forced to handle things on my own. I had to deal with every change, crisis, responsibility, major decisions, etc by myself. I had no family here that I could lean on, I only had myself. And I had to do it, I had no choice because I had to make sure my daughter was taken care of.


For 4 years it was just her and I and I learned very quickly how to manage. Was it hard? Heck ya it was. I had a few nights I cried. From frustration, anger, hurt, loneliness....the list goes on. I wondered if I had found out I was pregnant sooner would things have been different? Then I wondered why didn't I find out? Why did I have absolutely no idea? And trust me i didn't have a clue, it wasn't just denial there. Most of all I wondered why did things end up the way they did.

Now, years later, I look back and I think I know why. What I learned was that I could survive. I could be on my own and live to tell the story. What I know now is that all those years were preparation for whats to come. To show me that yes I'll be lonely and frustrated but it doesn't last forever, that "this too shall pass". Those years were to give me the tools I needed to survive as a Submariners wife. Mr. X told me once that a chief on his boat tried to warn him that very few wives could handle how much they are gone. His response to this chief was spoken in confidence that he knew I would be just fine and he believes it whole heartedly. The first time he left was a perfect example. I handled purchasing our current home, packed and moved everything, took care of 2 kiddo's, and worked a full time job. All while preggo with Baby Girl and a fractured tailbone. Yup, I can handle anything.

Anyone who thinks being the spouse of a service member is easy is sorely mistaken and add the fact that your other half is stuck on a sub somewhere under the water well...it stinks. You go days or weeks with out contact. Just living by the moto that no news is good news. The constant frustrations of not having real time contact. I can email my hubby tonight but it could be days before he gets it and the same in return. We can't email photos, there's no skype. And the amount of time they are gone?? Well I might as well be a single mom again.

We recently got the schedule for our boat for next year and while I'm not allowed to go into specifics due to security reasons lets just say he will be gone way more than he'll be home. He'll miss every single holiday and birthday except one. Am I bummed about it? Completely. But since I did the single mom thing before I know that we can survive this.

We will be living just one day at a time and taking things as they come. The good with the bad and hoping that the days fly by in the mean time. Will it be easy? Some days will be easier than others and some will seem like we've hit rock bottom. We will take lots of photo's with the kids, do some traveling to visit family and friends, and make awesome care packages for Mr. X to enjoy where ever he ends up. We will make the most of every moment. And then when he comes home we will cry at the pier, hug like we never want to let go, kiss like it's our honeymoon...and then go home. Where we will have to adjust to living as a 2 parent family again and start the cycle all over.

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